Finding myself Friday!

Well as I have said before I started this blog just as a place to express myself. 2012 began with me on a mission to find myself. Honestly, I haven't come to far....just yet. Don't count this mama out though...I still have a little over four months to complete my mission. I think sometimes in this life we just get caught up in all the drama and bullshit that seems to fall into our laps. I am right now caught up in the middle of a decision that will affect me as well as my kids tremendously. It just feels like the world don't give a shit about us sometimes. We must drown out the outside forces and quiet those inner demons that are telling us we can't do something or we don't have what it takes to excel. I have just put some duct tape on my demon's mouth. I am tired of the everyday struggles. I am ready to find some inner peace. I want my ZEN! I know you have heard the word because it is floating around out there like a stolen lottery ticket that has the winning numbers. Zen is free so why not take what is rightfully yours at no cost? Zen simply means "meditation" but not as in sitting quietly in a corner. It is going about your day with no goal or ulterior motive. It is about living in the here and now. You don't worry about the past and you don't worry about the future. You are it...right now. You have to start LIVING not just existing. You have to start taking joy in the small things of everyday. If your doing laundry (sucks I know) make that the happiest chore on earth. I know it sounds crazy but try it....just once. I made my mind up the other day that everything that happened or that I did in that one day I would turn into a positive experience. Let me say I had to stop myself from going ape shit a few times but all in all it worked. Everything I did I put my whole self into it and I told myself how lucky I was to be alive to be doing that simple little thing. Will it change you world in one day? Hell no...but it is a start. Just remember in Zen, the present moment is all that matters. Zen will give you the opportunity to find yourself. Not that person that you are when you are around friends, co-workers, or family but that you that is put away and only comes out to play when you are alone. This is what I am striving for. I want to find that childhood Becca. The girl who laughed at silly things, thought the smallest things were miraculous, enjoyed life without the worries of tomorrow, the little girl who had no mistakes from her past to haunt her. That is who I am looking for. I know she is still there because that is ME. Over the years we take on persona's of who we think others want us to be. I was in a job for over three years working for an asshole doctor who thought her shit could be used to make masterpieces. Money was her Zen. She expected everyone to be like her. I can't explain the way she made me feel inside. I know in her eyes I was never on her level or measured up to who she thought I should be. I was the only one there who had been through a divorce (a failure in her eyes), I was the only one who didn't come from a home with money (the others were doctor's children or doctor's wives), I was the only one who carried purse that came from Wal-mart....get my point? However, the patients loved ME. They would ask for me or about me and it ate away at her. Over the months and years I had to try and be someone I wasn't when I was around her. I talked different and acted different. I hated every second of that. It was my own personal hell. After my mom's car accident I took a leave from work to take care of her. I will have you know that woman didn't call and check on me or my mom one time. She would have the other girls call and ask when I would be back to work. After 2 months I received a letter saying I had been replaced and was no longer needed. I had filled out FMLA papers which gave me up to 12 weeks off. She tried to say she never received them!! At that point in time I knew I was better off without her and even though I had a lawyer ready to sue her I just let it wash off of shoulders and I breathed a sigh of complete relief. I was no longer slave to her ways of thinking. I was free to be me again. Things just seem to work out sometimes though because my mom was there for three months and then needed 24 hour care and I was able to do that since I had no job to return to! What I am trying to say is don't keep taking on personalities that are not YOU. Be you...in the now. Find your Zen and learn to live while you still can! This Zen is something I will be writing about each week and about my journey to find my inner peace. I hope this is a journey that you choose to take with me. Happy Friday loves!