The Versatile Blogger Award! For Me? No Way!

So, I woke up today prepared to do tons of school work that for some reason the procrastinator in me keeps putting off. I do this every week. I have all of my assignments given to me and then every day I put it off a little bit longer. I really suck at making myself do things that NEED to be done. Okay, so that brings me here to what I am fixing to talk about. I checked my email as I do every morning and I had some comments that needed approval on my blog (so funny to hear my blog). I get so excited when I see I have comments. I know I am no super mommy blogger. I actually suck at blogging but as I said before I started it as a means of therapy for myself and hopefully to meet some new friends. I have to say between my Zen books and writing I am feeling an ease from the stress and depression. See how I ramble….so back to why I am posting today. I really wasn’t going to write and bore anyone today but when I opened the comment I think I laughed and cried at the same time. My new friend Jenny over at http://cassandrazcorner.blogspot.com/ had given me a blog award. The Versatile Blogger Award. May not mean a lot to many people but to me it means the world. Silly? Yes, I know. However, it means that for some reason someone chose to read about my dysfunctional life and they may have enjoyed it. It also means that I have made a new friend. This new friend is Jenny. She is a very beautiful and inspiring woman who might I add is the reason I chose to have only yogurt and water for breakfast this morning!!! A little bit of why I like her…read this little tid bit from her profile (Hi! My name is really Jenny, not Cassandra. I dyed my hair a dark brown once and my husband said I looked like a different person. So we gave my dark-haired self the sexy name of Cassandra (haha). She is amazing so if you happen to read this go on over and check her out! Tell her I said hello and thank you so so so much!!! Here’s more information about the Versatile Blogger Award… If you get the award, here are the rules: Thank the person that gave you the award in a blog post & link back to their blog Pass the award on to 10-15 bloggers you follow Include 7 random things about yourself in your post Include the rules in your post Notify your nominees by leaving a comment on their blog Ok, here we go! 7 Random Things About Myself: 1. I am a nurse who burnt out on nursing and now I am studying Psychology and hope to counsel children with mental disorders or abused women when I graduate. 2. I have very low self-esteem which really sucks and fight depression everyday 3. I am a tattoo addict. I have ten so far and plan on starting a sleeve on my birthday (which is the 31st of this month) 4. I am married to a much younger man….cougar? Possibly?! 5. I am terrified of heights and dying…..my two greatest fears 6. I am a creature of habit and will not try new things (this I need to work on) 7. I am addicted to Coke…no joke. I have tried to break this addiction and have decided I need an intervention. The blogs that I am passing this wonderful Versatile Blogger Award to (this is so hard but I will) http://wirmtsw.blogspot.com/ http://suburbiainterrupted.com/ http://rockermomrambles.wordpress.com/ http://razorbladebrain.blogspot.com/ http://kimberliah.com/ http://pissykittyslitterbox.com/ http://lipstickmargaritasandhairspray.com/ http://fireandrabbits.com/ http://crazy-mama-drama.blogspot.com/ http://daddydoinwork.com/happy/ http://www.theinklingsoflife.com/ I can’t list them all …..but I love all my fellow bloggers out there and spend most of my life cuddled up in my blanket reading about you guys and your lives!!! xo

Be a Real Parent

There is no such thing as a perfect parent so just be a real one. – Sue Atkins

Today is Graturday but instead of writing a list I just want to name one thing that I am so thankful for. That is the fact that I am a mommy. Being a mommy (or a parent) is one of the toughest yet most rewarding jobs in the world. I was only 18 years old when I had my first child and let me tell you when I look back on those days I honestly do not know how me or my child survived!! I had no idea what it was like to be a mom. Granted the instincts kicked in and I knew enough to keep her alive…feeding, changing, snuggling but when it came to the tough stuff I sucked. I freaked out when I clipped the end of her finger while clipping her nails and ended up rushing her to the emergency room because the bleeding wouldn’t stop! She consumed bleach one day while I was coloring my hair which required an ambulance ride to the emergency room yet again. She decided to play hide and seek so well one day that I couldn’t find her and just automatically assumed she had gotten out the door. I rushed and called the police and a search was immediately started…..just to find her under the sink in the bathroom. Oh yeah, everyone at the hospital and police station knew me well before she turned two! If it had not been for my mom and day I am pretty sure of the fact that I would have lost my sanity or the child one. I was a caring mom just a little unaware! I was over protective most of the time, I filled in every line of her baby book, I got her pictures takes every few months, I sterilized bottles and heated them on the stove…. I did it all by the book.

You start to learn the ropes of motherhood after a few years! With child number two things changed. I was much more aware of safety issues…no more bleach drinking. However, having a jealous two year old was something I was not prepared for. I awoke to little whimpers one morning and I followed the sound to my daughter’s room. She was lying in the bed with that “oh shit, I’m caught” look. I asked her where her brother was and she slowly pointed to the toy box. I lifted the lid and there were two little bare feet sticking out from all the toys. My little man had been stuffed head first into the mountain of toys. I asked Sarah why she did it and she said….”he wouldn’t shut up crying and he was hurting my ears”. I became a bit lazy when it came to baby books and pictures. The five second rule suddenly became the one minute rule. I didn’t worry about a feeding schedule or sterilizing bottles. I would throw that sucker in the microwave to heat it up too (yes I tested the warmth). Bouncing two little ones at one time took great effort and patience. I was still a frequent flyer at the local emergency room. Little man thought he was super man and often tried to fly which left him toothless and with a few broken bones. As I quickly learned boys will be boys.

As the first two began to grow into teenagers I found out my work had just started. Taking care of a baby crying is nothing like the wrestling match of taking care of a smart ass teenager. I mean honestly I fed you when you were hungry, wiped your ass when you shit, bathed you, cuddled you, and cared for you. I wore your puke in my hair and didn’t have time to bathe myself. I sacrificed so many things to make sure you had clothes on your back and toys in your toy box. Now I ask you to clean your room and I get a hundred reasons why you can’t, I ask you to fold a load of laundry and I get told you don’t know how, I ask you to go with me to run some errands and I get told you can’t because you are going to a friends house. Really? I walk into a room that at one time was considered a bedroom but now it would do good to be considered a trash dump. Being a mommy requires that one grow a backbone and a big set of balls. Yes, being a parent is hard! I learned after having four of my own that there is no perfect way to be a parent. We are all going to make mistakes. We all have a different way to parent and each child is unique. We live in a world to day where women put other women down for the way they choose to parent their children. There is always controversy over breast feeding vs. bottle feeding, cloth vs. disposable diapers, attachment parenting, green parenting, no parenting! I mean come on people. I will be honest there are people who DO NOT need to reproduce period but then there are those who even though they are going to make mistakes (like letting the child get lost in her own house and calling the cops) will end up raising some pretty responsible children. I bottle fed my first two and breast fed my last two, I always used disposable diapers because quite honestly I am too lazy to add any more laundry to my list, I fed my kids what I wanted to feed them, I left three of mine sleep with me until they chose not to, I lived by the five second/one minute rule….and they all survived. I am pretty sure they all ate dog food at some point and made mud pies. They played in dirt and got grass stains on their new clothes. Yep….I am sure I fussed at some points. I made mistakes and I was by no means the perfect PTO parent. (I wish I could have been that good). I would buy cookies at the store instead of baking for two hours. There is only so much we can do in a 24 hour period…we work, cook, clean, do laundry, help with homework, bathe, read to, and care for our families the best we can. So quit worrying about being a perfect parent because the perfect parent does not exist. We learn from our mistakes and sometimes we learn a thing or two from our children as well. I know I have! I struggled as a single parent for many years and the other day my son who is 18 now came up and hugged me for no reason. He told me that he appreciated everything that I had ever done for him. He told me that he had learned so much just by watching me. I cried of course and told him I was sorry for all the mistakes I had made. He told me to never apologize for being the best mom I could be. He works 40 hours a week, goes to college full time, pays all of his bills, and even buys his mama things he knows I want. For Mother’s Day this year he bought me a Pittsburgh Steelers jersey…one of the authentic jerseys. I cried for days because while he was little the love for football was something we shared. Every year I would buy him a knock off jersey because as a single mom I couldn’t afford the real ones. I promised him that one day I would buy him the real deal. A few years ago for Christmas I finally bought him a legit Tony Romo jersey. So, when I opened mine up there was a note that said “the real deal for a real deal mom….you don’t have to wait on the real thing mama”. Yep, I worried about the mistakes I made as a parent but I have to say through it all I raised a very humble, responsible, and caring young man. I am sure each of the other three are going to be just as amazing as he is. You do your best and I promise it will pay off. Love your children and work hard in front of them. A quote that I think is amazing is “If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders.” ~Abigail Van Buren

I love my children with every ounce of my heart and soul!! I know that one day they will become parents themselves and I hope they understand then just how impossible it is to be perfect! I hope they just let go and be real! It’s not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can’t tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it, myself. ~Joyce Maynard

Finding myself Friday!

Well as I have said before I started this blog just as a place to express myself. 2012 began with me on a mission to find myself. Honestly, I haven't come to far....just yet. Don't count this mama out though...I still have a little over four months to complete my mission. I think sometimes in this life we just get caught up in all the drama and bullshit that seems to fall into our laps. I am right now caught up in the middle of a decision that will affect me as well as my kids tremendously. It just feels like the world don't give a shit about us sometimes. We must drown out the outside forces and quiet those inner demons that are telling us we can't do something or we don't have what it takes to excel. I have just put some duct tape on my demon's mouth. I am tired of the everyday struggles. I am ready to find some inner peace. I want my ZEN! I know you have heard the word because it is floating around out there like a stolen lottery ticket that has the winning numbers. Zen is free so why not take what is rightfully yours at no cost? Zen simply means "meditation" but not as in sitting quietly in a corner. It is going about your day with no goal or ulterior motive. It is about living in the here and now. You don't worry about the past and you don't worry about the future. You are it...right now. You have to start LIVING not just existing. You have to start taking joy in the small things of everyday. If your doing laundry (sucks I know) make that the happiest chore on earth. I know it sounds crazy but try it....just once. I made my mind up the other day that everything that happened or that I did in that one day I would turn into a positive experience. Let me say I had to stop myself from going ape shit a few times but all in all it worked. Everything I did I put my whole self into it and I told myself how lucky I was to be alive to be doing that simple little thing. Will it change you world in one day? Hell no...but it is a start. Just remember in Zen, the present moment is all that matters. Zen will give you the opportunity to find yourself. Not that person that you are when you are around friends, co-workers, or family but that you that is put away and only comes out to play when you are alone. This is what I am striving for. I want to find that childhood Becca. The girl who laughed at silly things, thought the smallest things were miraculous, enjoyed life without the worries of tomorrow, the little girl who had no mistakes from her past to haunt her. That is who I am looking for. I know she is still there because that is ME. Over the years we take on persona's of who we think others want us to be. I was in a job for over three years working for an asshole doctor who thought her shit could be used to make masterpieces. Money was her Zen. She expected everyone to be like her. I can't explain the way she made me feel inside. I know in her eyes I was never on her level or measured up to who she thought I should be. I was the only one there who had been through a divorce (a failure in her eyes), I was the only one who didn't come from a home with money (the others were doctor's children or doctor's wives), I was the only one who carried purse that came from Wal-mart....get my point? However, the patients loved ME. They would ask for me or about me and it ate away at her. Over the months and years I had to try and be someone I wasn't when I was around her. I talked different and acted different. I hated every second of that. It was my own personal hell. After my mom's car accident I took a leave from work to take care of her. I will have you know that woman didn't call and check on me or my mom one time. She would have the other girls call and ask when I would be back to work. After 2 months I received a letter saying I had been replaced and was no longer needed. I had filled out FMLA papers which gave me up to 12 weeks off. She tried to say she never received them!! At that point in time I knew I was better off without her and even though I had a lawyer ready to sue her I just let it wash off of shoulders and I breathed a sigh of complete relief. I was no longer slave to her ways of thinking. I was free to be me again. Things just seem to work out sometimes though because my mom was there for three months and then needed 24 hour care and I was able to do that since I had no job to return to! What I am trying to say is don't keep taking on personalities that are not YOU. Be you...in the now. Find your Zen and learn to live while you still can! This Zen is something I will be writing about each week and about my journey to find my inner peace. I hope this is a journey that you choose to take with me. Happy Friday loves!

Happy Birthday Mittens

A year ago today at 4:28 pm I delivered a beautiful 6lb 9oz blonde hair, blue eyed angel. We named her Hallie Raygan Bryant. Hal was her great-grandfather on her dad’s side and my daddy’s last name is Ray. We mixed them up and now she carries a piece of her history with her. She took on the nick name “mittens” given to her by her daddy. She has been a true blessing in my life. I had decided years ago that I was finished having babies. Then I met Kyle…the hubs. He stole my heart and my soul. After months of sadness from a tragedy in the family we decided we needed some happiness and we planned to have a baby. Within a month we were pregnant and thus began the journey of our life with mittens. The past year has been filled with smiles, laughter, joy, happiness, and pure love. This little chunk a monk has opened my eyes to how sweet life can be. Even times when I have sit and shed tears of grief I have looked down at her and seen the miracle that is life. She makes me smile…simple as that. She has brought life back into a grim hopeless mother. I can’t explain the love I carry for this child. All I can say is that she brought me back to life…..she is the final piece to the puzzle of my life. I love you miss Hallie Raygan (mittens)!!!

Vacation Days

I don’t remember vacation being so stressful when I was a child and looking back I hope my parents enjoyed it better than I have this past week. Going on vacation with a ten year old drama queen and a one year old cry baby should be on everyone’s list of what NOT to do! At least the other three kids didn’t go…THANK BUDDHA! It seems that I can’t leave the house without forgetting something and this time it was mitten’s stroller and my cell phone charger. Well ya can’t stroll the streets of Gatlinburg carrying a 31lb baby on your hip for very long so we had to buy a new one….money wasted but much needed. It seems mittens exploded (pooped) at every outing we went on and I do mean exploded….down her legs and onto my clothes. Why is that? Why do babies always poop the minute you exit the door? To top that off she was so cranky due to her two year molars coming in. However, I noticed she was much worse than usual and on night two she ran a very high fever. I noticed her grabbing her ears so…..off to the emergency room for a visit to the doctor. Yep….double ear infection on vacation. We were told no more water in the ears so there goes the swimming which was the ONLY time mittens was happy. Drama queen was just that….completely full of drama. She complained about everything…”it’s too hot”, “I don’t want to do that”, “I’m bored”, “I’m hungry”, “I’m NOT eating that”, “I wanna go home now”, “Can I have this”, “Buy me that”…..on and on….get my point? She was not happy with anything except the pool. She wanted to stay in the pool the whole time and thanks to mitten’s ear infection that made it hard. All of this not to mention the day the lazy river behind the motel attempted first degree murder on the hubs. Just let me tell you how completely insane we are. Drama queen begged and begged to go tubing down the river behind the motel. The hotel provided free tubes and it seemed like a good idea. Quiet and peaceful….just my thing. So, we grab our tubes and head on down to the river. Well first thing you must know…you cannot walk on the slimy slick rocks on the bottom of the river with flip flops! That is why they make these lovely things called water shoes. Second thing……you really can’t walk on these rocks with flip flops while carrying a 30lb baby and trying to hold the hand of your ten year old. So, you lose your flip flops, you lose your tube, your ten year old is screaming that she is falling, and the baby is laughing hysterically because she has no idea she is about to be dropped and possibly drown. The hubs is chasing after flip flops and tubes and I can see his blood boiling. However, we manage to gather everything up and attempt to crawl into the tubes while we have an audience standing on the balconies of the hotel. Hubs on tube…check, ten year old on tube….check, mama and mittens on tube…..NOPE! Not happening…..flip flops slipping on rocks again. No balance and I am freaking out. Hubs is trying to hang on to drama queen who is being swept away by the current while at the same time he is trying to hold me and mittens up. Well, that doesn’t work and next thing I know current sweeps hubs off of tube and flips him backwards into the river. I didn’t know hubs was a gymnast but he sure looked it doing those back flips! All I could do is stand there and laugh..yes I laughed at his misery. Little did I know that hub’s head hit a huge rock on the bottom of the river while he was doing his lovely flips. He manages to get his balance and stand up….he stands there kinda swaying back and forth until he realizes drama queen is floating down the river alone. So, to make a long story short he ends up being the hero saving drama queen and then coming back and saving me and mittens. He does suffer a slight concussion in the process and has a knot the size of a goose egg on the back of his head….and yes I laughed. I still laugh when I picture this in my head because what idiots in their right mind would take an infant out into a “lazy” river to enjoy a nice day of tubing…without water shoes? Can I top that off? Well, no, not really but I will tell you I paid for laughing at the hubs. We went to a Golden Corral to eat because we had a coupon for it and who doesn’t want to save some money? Well, we ate even though the food kinda sucked. Afterwards, drama queen gets a belly ache and I have to take her to the bathroom. Mittens has of course exploded again and for some reason there isn’t a changing table. There is a woman in the back stall and she is obviously taking a dump (noises and smell). I figure the changing table is in there as it is the large stall. So while waiting I decide I have to pee myself. I go into the first stall and do my business with mittens in my lap might I add! While I’m finishing up and getting ready to exit the stall I see through the crack of the door the woman who had been in the back stall. She walks over to the mirror and quickly glances at herself and then exits the bathroom…without washing her hands! One….she is an EMPLOYEE and two…..she just crapped. I felt my head get hot from my blood boiling over. There is a sign right there on the door that says EMPLOYEES MUST WASH HANDS. So what do I do? Well, I proceed to go and find her. She is outside washing off tables with her crap covered, bacteria ridden hands. I walk up and get her name off of her name tag and then I go and ask for a manager. Yep….I told on her like a kid telling on another kid for stealing his candy. I was so angry. I told the manager I didn’t appreciate eating in a facility where the employees crap and don’t wash their hands. I ask him if he has ever heard of Hepatitis A and how it is contracted? Hubs is so embarrassed he has taken mittens and fled like a bank robber to the getaway car. Oh well, I made my point. As we know the mind is a powerful thing and sometimes we can let it take control. I felt sick all of a sudden. My stomach ached and rumbled. In my head I was sure I had contracted Hep A….just kidding…I have been vaccinated. I was sick though and I know in my mind it was the thought of the non handwashing girl wiping those tables with her dirty hands. Anyway, my punishment for laughing at hubs and his concussion was me lying on the bed wincing in pain from the stomach cramps I was experiencing. This lasted all night…… Needless to say I will never eat at a Golden Corral again even though I am sure most of them have employees who wash their hands. The one in Pigeon Forge has a girl named Beth who does not!!! Okay, so even though we had some rough spots I did have a good time on vacation. I loved seeing the happiness in mitten’s eyes when she saw all the fish at the aquarium. I loved the laughter that came from drama queen as she jumped in the pool. Although my young uns drive me crazy sometimes I love them to the moon and back and I enjoy viewing the world through their eyes. One thing in life we must understand is that every moment isn’t going to be the best….we do have not so good moments. We just have to learn to take the bad with the good….the crazy with the calm. This is what makes memories. I was lucky enough to be able to take a vacation this year which never happens….so I really ain’t complaining!

It's a Wild Life

There is a madness to everything in life including mommyhood. I would say being a mom can push us to the brink of insanity before it pulls us back from the ledge just to start pushing again. From the moment of conception until they place us in our graves our children are directing our life paths. When you are blessed with a child that has special needs then you are given a slightly different path to travel. I have talked about my oldest child before and as you all know she is bi-polar which is a horrible illness to contend with. When she was born she was perfect. She was a beautiful baby and although the labor and delivery was a horrific experience for us both she seemed relatively healthy. As time went on I began to notice differences in her from other children. She didn’t speak a word until she was three years old. She would babble and make a lot of noise but no true words. She was a very aggressive child at times but very loving at other times. I felt I was raising a Jekyll and Hyde. I began to notice she was overly hyper and sensitive. After taking her to multiple doctors and then psychiatrists they diagnosed her as having ADHD. They began treating her with medicines which would work for short periods and then just have no effect. We put her in preschool so that she could receive speech therapy. This was a daily struggle. I would get a call from school every single day saying that she had hurt someone or herself. They could not do anything with her. They would tell me if we didn’t get some medicines that worked they would not allow her back in school. I can remember how embarrassed I was to even go to the grocery store. She would act out so badly! She would lay in the floor and scream or she would steal something and I would have to take her back in and make her return it. People have ALWAYS blamed me for her behavior. Honestly? how can you judgmental assholes who know nothing about my life blame me for a disorder my child was born with? Let me tell you a little something about our lives before you open your mouths. Her father is bipolar which I did not know until years later. He was very abusive and he beat me multiple times while I was pregnant. I finally got a restraining order and a judge who let him know if he caused me to miscarry he would be charged with fetal homicide. During one of the beatings he managed to hit me in the stomach and my amniotic water began to leak. By the time I went into labor I had nearly no fluid left. They told me the baby was a miracle. Her heart stopped beating three to four times during birth and the doctor notified my parents that she would more than likely suffer some brain damage from the lack of oxygen. For the first year she was MADE to visit her father who carried on with his mental and physical abuse until he was proved guilty. He gave her wine coolers at 12 months old and she was rushed to the emergency room with alcohol poisoning. He had tried to kill her in an effort to avoid paying child support. His parental rights were stripped and he was out of her life for good. However, with all the abuse it was a little too late thanks to our fine justice system. Yes, my child acts out, she screams, she hits, she cries non-stop, she takes away toys from other children, in your eyes she is bad. She is not to blame nor am I. Over the years we traveled to psych after psych. We went to therapy sessions two to three times a week. We had meeting after meeting at school. I received call after call from unhappy teachers and parents. Some days I felt like just giving up. I mean what good was I doing her? I just could not fix her. We began to encounter another problem. She began binge eating. She would hide food under her bed and in her closets. She started gaining weight at a quick pace. She was going through so much bullying at school now. Other kids were making fun of her because she couldn’t talk right, she was over weight, and she didn’t act normal. She would come home crying and lock herself in her room. I being mother bear would go to school and complain and ask for help. You have no idea what it is like to fight a school system unless you have a child with special needs. Year after year she fell further and further behind. I would ask them to hold her back and they would refuse. She continued to become more aggressive. My house had more holes in the wall than I could plaster. My car ended up with a broken windshield thanks to her anger and a math book. When she entered sixth grade I had enough. She couldn’t add, subtract, count money, or even tell time. I wrote my congressman and even President Bush. I received a call from my state Senator and within days the ball was rolling. I was sent an advocate/lawyer from the state attorney’s office. I was given the “blue book” which is a book of rights for children with disabilities. Amazing stuff in there I must add! We sat up a meeting and it wasn’t pretty. Sarah was placed in special education classes finally. I was pointed in the direction of assistance which she deserved. However, the cruelty of other children did not stop nor did the mood swings and behaviors. She began to steal more often and act out in terrible ways. She hit her brother in the nose with a ball bat one night and threatened to kill all of us. My son slept with a locked door from that night on. I ended up having to send her to a crisis unit on three occasions within six months. Right after coming home on the last occasion she immediately stole some things and I found them under a bed (along with a pile of pills she had been hiding instead of taking). After bedtime I heard her sobbing in her room. The door was locked and I couldn’t get in. I just had a feeling something was terribly wrong. I went outside and thank God the window was unlocked. I pushed it open and crawled through. There I found her lying on the floor with blood spilling from her wrist. She had gotten tired of it all and tried to kill herself. I called 911 and the police. That was the last draw…she couldn’t take anymore and neither could I. I traveled up to Louisville, Ky to a center for mentally challenged children. They did test after test on her. After a couple of days of tests and talking with multiple therapists and psychiatrists we were called back in and given the results. I was told that she had bi-polar disorder and mild mental retardation. She had only scored a 64 on an IQ test. On other tests she scored on levels of 5 to 7 year olds and she was 14. I remember feeling hopeless. It just wasn’t going to get better. The doctors sat her up with more therapy and psych visits back home and we were handed four new prescriptions. Over the next year she improved. Her moods were stable and she began to do better in school. I thought I had hit the lottery. This is when I learned her biological father had been diagnosed bi-polar and he had attempted suicide six times. Over the next few years we lived life on a roller coaster. Some days were good and some bad. Some were right out terrible. The older she got the more risks she would take. We went through her stealing over 2000 dollars from me and my parents, she stole my car and totaled it, she ran away multiple times, and she treated me like I was nothing (on a daily basis). After my dad died Sarah had a melt down. She sunk into a depression that she had never faced before. She refused her meds and began stealing more money from my mom. After I found out she had written over 500 dollars on my checking account me and my mom pressed charges against her. She was put in jail and a court date was set. She only made it one night before calling me and begging me to come and get her. I was told by her therapist she needed to learn but jail was not the place so I put my house up as collateral and signed her out. Long story short I worked with the judge and she was put on probation for five years and I was given guardianship over her. She is now 20 years old and she is pregnant. Nothing has changed. She has stolen from me a few times but only small amounts. She yells at me and then breaks down and cries. She refuses her meds and blames everything on everyone else but herself. She still cannot count money nor can she do simple math. She will not clean up after herself and constantly terrorizes her siblings. She will go days without sleeping and then collapse and sleep for days. She has no concept of what life really is about. I have tried as a parent to teach her. I have punished her for what she does but to no avail. Just this past weekend she got upset because her boyfriend wouldn’t leave work and come see her. She got mad at my husband and I because we had friends over. We were watching the fights and having a good time. She decided to call her boyfriend and tell him one of the guys hit on her and we were all too drunk to do anything about it. She then called the police and tell them she needed help that we were all drunk. We had it out. One of the worst fights we have ever had. I made her pack her things and go to her boyfriends parents house. A few days later she was involved in a wreck that could have very easily taken her life as well as my grandchild. I felt horrible. So now she is back home and acting fairly decent. She admits she needs help and is willing to go back on her medicine. I am sitting here wondering if I will ever have a life or if my life is to just care for her. Yes, maybe I am selfish but she has to grow up. What is going to happen to her when I am gone? She has a baby on the way and she has to learn how to care for herself and the baby. Life is hard sometimes and it just doesn’t seem fair but it is what it is. We just have to learn to deal with it. I love my children and I have dedicated my life to making theirs a little bit better. Parents of special needs children are not to blame. Please remember this when you see a mom at the store with a child who is on the floor screaming. I understand there are spoiled children in the world but who knows this may be a child who was born a little different than yours. Life isn’t all unicorns and rainbows. There is madness everywhere…….

I'm Back

Well, it has been months since I wrote a single thing. I just woke up one day and thought who gives a shit about what I write. Why am I wasting my time to write in a blog that no one reads. Well, honestly I didn’t start writing the blog for anyone else. I decided to write it for my benefit. I felt it was a way of therapy….an online diary. I had hopes it would open doors for me to reach others that had the same issues, goals, ideas, and hopes as mine. Well, it didn’t work too well and I just gave up. However, over the past several months I have faced a lot of trials that I believe writing about would have helped. So, I am gonna start this again. I am doing this for ME. I am a nobody and I can’t write about wonderful humorous things that will make you laugh and make you wanna read more. I am a somebody that has dealt with a lot of grief and emotions in her lifetime and would love to have some friends to share with. I am a mom who deals with a child who has bi-polar disorder. The days are long and hard and sometimes I want to run away. I am a parentless child who misses her mom and dad so much I could die sometimes. I am a wife who loves her husband but can’t seem to let go of the hurt from the past enough to free herself and enjoy this relationship. I am a loner who really doesn’t step outside of her shell to make new friends and cries sometimes because she has no one to talk to. I am a hot mess plain and simple. I really don’t know who I am at times and I long to find out. I want to see who the girl inside really is. So, I hope that in the days to come this opening of my soul will allow me to get a glimpse of her and of the life she longs for. So I will keep it short and sweet today but I do feel better already knowing that I am about to open up the flood gates and let it all out! I hope in the future to find some people who will take this journey with me. Maybe we can help each other. xo